Thursday, March 3, 2011
my head space
is all manner of fucked up right now. this most recent panic attack on sunday was a doozy. i was convinced that i was giong to die on the road. i was going to pass out or have a stroke or something, and i would crash my car and die. convinced. and couldn't be convinced otherwise for a good 20 minutes. now, four days later, i am finding it extremely difficult to ditch the notion that there is something seriously wrong with me - physically. my body seems to be waging war on itself even harder than usual. either that or i'm noticing little things with a heightened sensitivity since the attack. of course it's probably the latter, but rationality is tough to come by when you're already so emotional. i have never been much of a hypochondriac but there were moments today when i caught myself thinking i had each of the following ailments: blood clots in my legs (whereas the tightness was probably from insufficient exercise/stretching) that i feared were from 7 years of BC pills, and were going to detach and move to my heart, brain or lungs; parkinson's disease b/c my thumb wouldn't stop shaking at one point for about 2 minutes (probably not enough potassium, but since the unnamed family-member's diagnosis, still fear-inciting); some crazy bacteria that never goes away that russ was talking about on a recent mep-report because my hot tub hasn't been shocked with chlorine in about a month and since going in it on monday my skin is itching worse than usual; a brain tumor (headaches); crohn's or some other digestive disorder (mild indigestion probably); and on and on and on. i think we all have days where we require a little bit of apathy (or maybe even denial) to get through the day with our composure intact, but today i was finding it really difficult to generate any of either. anxiety is like a landslide. it may start off small but as it rolls it gains speed, size, and control. it's really hard to stop the forward momentum, but i've absolutely GOT TO. i refuse to live with this much fear. it is paralyzing - and ironically - probably really bad for my health, ultimately.