Validation

I am so depressed today.

Here's the problem. And I'm sure this is going to be a bit incoherent because it's well past my usual bedtime. I'll use a micro example to illustrate a macro problem.

I have self-image issues. As discussed at length previously. I'm trying to work through them. One of the primary problems I've always had with my image is that I have almost no internally-derived sense of beauty. I mostly only feel beautiful when other people make me feel beautiful or tell me I'm beautiful. So when there's a lack of people in my life filling that function (particularly in a romantic context) I have a much, much harder time believing that I'm attractive. A friend recently said something so simple it should have been obvious to me long ago, but seemed revelatory to me at the time he said it. I think it went something like this: "I find you attractive. No matter where you go in the world or what you're doing, I'm attracted to you. And you can carry that with you. And know that it's true." No one had ever said it just like that before. Compliments had always seemed contextual rather than lasting or permanent. It helped a little to think that the good things people have said about my appearance don't go away just because those people are no longer right in front of me. Of course, it's also harder with appearance because one's appearance is often changing. Or at least mine seems to be.

Anyway, small example right? Well, not small, but well defined.

Now let's apply that micro problem to the rest of my life on a macro level.

I'm depressed right now because things have been going really shitty lately. Ticking off some of this shittyness: (1) I lost something sort of important to me that had been brightening my life. (2) An opportunity that I thought was going to help me make some significant changes to my direction and my lifestyle failed to pan out. (3) I have been struggling with eating again, and surrendered an important weight-loss milestone I had hit a few weeks ago with some irresponsibly earned gains. (4) I have had a few other disappointments and hard times best not discussed here. Point being, it's been a challenging few weeks.

Instead of bucking up and pressing forward looking for a different source of light, another opportunity, exercise and discipline to restore losses, and things that might make me happy, I've been wallowing. And letting all these things make me feel totally invalidated as a person. They're just setbacks, yet I've never been great at dealing with setbacks. I let them completely derail me. My weight watchers leaders have talked in the past about the difference between a "lapse" and a "collapse." In a lapse, you make some bad choices but you quickly right the ship and return to good habits, or better yet, compensate with extra discipline to balance bad choices. In a collapse, each bad decision leads to more bad decisions because of guilt, shame, negativity, etc. Spiral. One has to not let a lapse turn into a collapse. Stop the spiral. Difficult.

I'm having a collapse right now. I just see all the challenges strung together and think, "How am I ever going to right this ship?" or "Maybe I'm not meant to or capable of righting this ship." I start to question core things I should know about myself. Positive things. I stop believing in myself. But see, like the attractiveness, the good things I know about myself don't stop being true just because day to day existence has been a bit more challenging. But dear god, it is hard for me to remember that. Is it hard for other people too? Sometimes I wonder if it's just me. But I'm sure that it's not, even if I wonder. Humanity, man. We're all so much more alike than we sometimes like to believe. We gotta keep learning from each other. So I'm gonna try to apply the lessons of attractiveness to life writ large. Try not to let it take me down. Lose my sense of self. Lose my validation. Gonna reach deep down inside and try to find the will to keep on keepin on.

Fuckin a.

Two MORE New Recipes - Both WWerized

Lemon Chive Sole with Baked Squash

Points: 4
Serves: 4

Ingredients

* 2 medium yellow summer squash, cut into 1/8-inch-thick rounds
* 1 sprays olive oil cooking spray
* 1/2 tsp table salt, or to taste
* 1/2 tsp black pepper, or to taste
* 1 1/4 pound sole, four 5 oz fillets
* 1/2 cup fat-free chicken broth
* 2 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
* 1 Tbsp honey mustard
* 2 tsp cornstarch
* 1/2 tsp lemon zest
* 1 Tbsp chives, fresh, minced
* 4 cup sugar snap peas, steamed

Instructions

* Preheat oven to 400ºF. Coat a large baking sheet with cooking spray.

* Place squash rounds on middle of baking sheet; coat with cooking spray and season to taste with salt and pepper.

* Season both sides of sole fillets with salt and pepper; place sole on top of squash. Bake until fish is fork-tender, about 15 minutes.

* Meanwhile, in a small saucepan, whisk together broth, lemon juice, mustard, cornstarch and lemon zest. Set pan over medium heat and simmer until sauce thickens, stirring frequently with a wire whisk, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in chives.

* Transfer squash, sole and snap peas to individual plates and spoon lemon sauce over top of fish. Yields about 1 fillet, 1 cup of snap peas, 1/3 cup of squash and 2 tablespoons of sauce per serving.



Cranberry Pear Chicken

This is one of my ABSOLUTE favorites already, and I've only made it twice! But it's so good!!!!

Points: 4
Serves: 4

Ingredients:

- 1.5 tbsps flour
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/4 tsp pepper
- 3/4 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts, cubed
- 2 tsps canola oil
- 1 ripe pear, peeled, cored, and chopped (I used anjou)
- 3 scallions, sliced
- 3/4 cup pear nectar (available in the supermarket - who knew?)
- 1/4 c. dried cranberries
- 2 tsps coarse grain mustard

Instructions:

1. Combine the flour, salt and pepper on a sheet of wax paper. Add the chicken and toss to coat.

2. Heat 1 1/2 tsps of the oil in a large skillet over med. high heat. Add the chicken and cook, turning occasionally, until lightly browned and cooked through, about 5 minutes. Transfer the chicken to a plate.

3. Add the remaining 1/2 tsp oil to the same skillet, then add the pear and scallions. Cook over medium high heat, stirring often, until the pear is golden, about 3-4 minutes. Add the pear nectar and cranberries. Increase the heat to high and cook, stirring occasionally, until the sauce bubbles and thickens slightly, about 3 minutes. Stir in the mustard, return the chicken to the skillet, and heat through, about 1 minute.

I served it with a side of steamed asparagus, lightly salted but otherwise plain. Yum yum yum!

New Recipe and a Good Hair Day

I am having such a good hair day today! And those of you who know me well know that "good" and "my hair" almost never go in the same sentence! For pretty much my whole life. Maybe at some point in the future I'll post a hair retrospective. So anyway, I tried to take some pics in the bathroom mirror, and they came out ok, but I forgot I still had the outdoors white balance on, so they are REALLY yellow. Plus, while I may be having a good hair day, I am having a bad face week, and got a little overzealous with the poking, prodding, and popping yesterday. Dang. Anyway - pictures!





So now for the recipe!


Flounder Baked with Tomatoes

POINTS Value: 7
Servings: 2

Ingredients

* 8 oz cherry tomato(es)
* 1 small onion(s)
* 3 tsp olive oil
* 1 leaf bay leaf
* 1/8 tsp kosher salt
* 1/8 tsp black pepper
* 2 Tbsp Progresso Plain Breadcrumbs
* 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
* 2 fillet flounder fillet(s)

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Take out a casserole dish.

2. Combine the tomatoes, onion, 2 tsp oil, and the bay leaf (torn in half), salt and pepper, and toss. Distribute evenly along bottom of casserole pan.

3. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, until the tomatoes have started to collapse. Take the casserole out of the oven and turn on the broiler.

4. Combine breadcrumbs and cheese. Once the broiler is good and hot, lay the flounder on top of the tomatoes, strew with the cheese mixture, and drizzle with the remaining 1 tsp olive oil. Broil for 3 to 4 minutes, until the crumbs are browned and the fish is bubbling a bit. Let sit for about 5 minutes for the fish to finish cooking before serving. Serve hot.

Two New Recipes

I've been having a hard time on the program lately, and I decided that part of the problem was being in a rut with my food. I got comfortable with 10 or 15 recipes, knew how to shop to prepare those recipes, and ceased trying new ones. Then, being bored of eating the same food all the time, I strayed whenever out of the house. So I made a pact to try two new recipes per week for a month. Here's the product of that for this week. I had some coconut milk on hand, hence the eastern bent of these recipes:

Pumpkin Curry Chicken
Serves: 2
Points: 7



1 tbsp red curry paste
2/3 c. canned pumpkin
1 tbsp fish sauce
8 oz boneless skinless chicken breast, cubed
1 tsp unpacked brown sugar
6 leaves basil
1/2 c. coconut milk
2 tsp vegetable oil (I used Olive because it's healthier)
1/4 cup fat free chicken broth


1.) Boil coconut milk in a pan over medium heat until it starts to reduce.

2.) Separately, heat oil in a wok, add red curry paste, stir for 2-3 minutes until cooked. Add chicken, stir until meat is cooked.

3.) Add boiled coconut milk, chicken broth, and pumpkin. Simmer 2-4 minutes.

4.) Add fish sauce, sugar to taste. Add basil leaves. Simmer 1 more minute.

5.) Serve over steamed rice.



Vietnamese Curry Soup
Serves: 4
Points: 5



2 tsp olive oil
1 cup onions, chopped
2 medium garlic cloves, minced
1 tbsp ginger root, chopped (I used powdered ginger, didn't have fresh on hand)
1 tbsp curry powder
1 tsp lemon zest
1 medium sweet pepper, seeded and chopped
2 medium carrots, chopped
8 medium cremini or button mushrooms, sliced
14 oz vegetable broth (I used chicken)
2 cups water
2 bay leaves
1 tsp table salt
2 red potatoes, scrubbed and chopped
4 oz rotisserie chicken (pulled off one of those supermarket pre-made ones)
14 oz light coconut milk, canned
4 tbsp cilantro, fresh, chopped

1.) Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium high heat. Add onion, garlic, and ginger, and saute 2 minutes. Stir in curry powder and lemon zest and cook 2 minutes, until curry is fragrant. Add pepper, carrots, and mushrooms and stir to combine. Add broth, water, bay leaves, and salt, and bring to a boil.

2.) Stir in potatoes and coconut milk and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium and cook until potatoes are fork-tender, about 10 minutes. Half way through the 10 minutes, add the chicken.

3.) Remove the bay leaves. Ladle soup into bowls and top each serving with 1 tbsp of chopped cilantro. Yields 1 1/2 cups per serving - generous!

a recent recipe

i took a picture of this the other night when i made it, because i promised my brother i'd post it, but i can't seem to get it to come off my camera at the moment. so picture forthcoming.

Linguine with Creamy Gorgonzola Sauce

Ingredients:

• 12oz uncooked linguine
• 1 1/2 cup 1% milk
• 1/2 cup half and half
  
• 2 Tbsp all-purpose flour
• 1/4 tsp table salt
• 1/8 tsp black pepper, or to taste
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper (i like it spicy, you can use less)
  
• gorgonzola cheese, about 1/4 cup, crumbled
• 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 3-4 medium dried fig(s), coarsely chopped
• 1/4 cup fresh chives, minced

Instructions:

Cook the linguine according to package directions; drain and keep warm in a large bowl. (I don't do this now that I know how long the other part takes, I do them concurrently. But this is probably a good plan for your first time).

Meanwhile, with a wire whisk, combine the milk, half and half, and flour in a large skillet, blending unitl the flour is dissolved. Add the salt, pepper and cayenne; cook over medium heat, whisking constantly, until the mixture is bubbling and thickened, about 5 minutes.

Add the Gorgonzola and Parmesan cheeses to the milk mixture; cook, stirring constantly, until the cheese melts. Stir in the figs and chives. Keep on heat 1 minute longer.

Pour the cheese mixture over the warm linguine; toss to combine.

Points: 8
Serves: 6

Cookies and Such

Did you know that 1 girl scout tagalong cookie is 2 points? I find this offensive. I love tagalongs. How dare they be so pricey in points! In light of this new information, the rate at which I was able to stuff these down my throat as a child now seems quite alarming. Each cookie hold 75 calories and 5(!) grams of fat. 5 grams in one cookie! Madness!

Life is going to be insanely busy in the next few weeks. I am participating in 3 swaps for craftster, and organizing a 4th. I will be making all of the Morris Knolls GSA t-shirts for AIDS walk on May 20th. I'm having a dinner party on Friday for my fellow analysts from work. My family celebrates mother's day and 2 birthdays in the month of May. Craziness!

I remembered! Pilates and Dinner!

One thing just to throw out there quickly. Ever since the second week or so of December I've been off program. For those who don't get what that means, I'm referring to Weight Watchers. I've been doing it with my Mom for the past three years. Usually when I tell people that I've been doing it for a couple years, they express extreme surprise (since I've only lost about 30 pounds in that time.) But my feeling on that subject is that I'm doing it the right way - changing my whole lifestyle and not just "dieting." Plus weight that comes off too fast is less likely to stay off. Regardless (I'm off topic here) I have been needing to get back on program in a serious way. Even though I'd been walking consistently through most of December (as in walking for exercise) my food habits were all over the place. So I figured I might feel more encouraged to get back to better foods if I kicked my exercise up a notch. Explanation for this being that I am actually less likely to go crazy with food if I feel like I have some behavioral leeway from my exercise. So the whole point of this is just to say that I went back to my hour long pilates class at the gym today, and it felt great! I hadn't been since somewhere around last August (06). My abs, of course, had something to say about it which was "WHY???? OH GOD, WHY?!?!" but they'll get used to it again soon I hope.

The other reason for the post was that I made an awesome awesome new recipe tonight. Extremely healthy and very tasty. Here it is:


Fusili with Yellow Pepper Sauce

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup water
• 1 large yellow pepper, seeded and chopped
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 1 plum tomato, seeded and chopped
• 2 tsp olive oil
• 1/4 tsp table salt
• 2 cup uncooked fusilli
• 4 tsp grated Parmesan cheese
• 1/4 cup part-skim ricotta cheese
• 2 Tbsp parsley, minced
• 1/8 tsp black pepper, or to taste (I used more)
  

Instructions

• Combine water, pepper, onion, tomato, oil, salt, and ground pepper in a nonstick skillet over medium-low heat. Cover and cook, stirring frequently, until vegetables are tender and liquid evaporates, 15 to 18 minutes. Add more water, 1/4 cup at a time, if liquid evaporates too fast.
  
  
• Meanwhile, cook fusilli according to package instructions. Drain and put in a serving bowl.
  
  
• Transfer vegetables to a blender or food processor. Add ricotta cheese and purée. Pour over fusilli and toss to coat. Serve, sprinkled with parsley and Parmesan cheese.

Tips:
If yellow peppers are unavailable, red or orange will work just as well. But steer clear of green peppers - the flavor is too strong. Also, if you're a weight watchers member, this can either be 2 dinner sized servings for 8.5 points each (and 2 veggie servings!) or 4 lunch sized portions at 4 points each (and 1 veggie serving.)


So there you have it - I highly recommend it, and hope whoever reads this will give it a try!