Monday, April 4, 2011

The Examination Has Begun: I Think it Started Early

From my journal, reprinted word for word (including spelling errors!)  February 3, 1995.  I was eleven:

"Today, I had one of the worst days in my life.  I wore this really comfy, colorful jumper that I liked a lot.  Sounds fine? Right? Wrong!  The only problem was that the jumper had lots of colors and different fruits on it.  I wore it with a yellow t-shirt.  All day long people were calling me chiquita banana and faggy fruit-cart lady.  It was pretty embarassing."

About two weeks after that, I described an episode in which two boys I had crushes on prank called me together, made fun of my 'fro' and asked me to go out with them only to laugh in my face when I got my hopes up they might be serious.

Gee willikers, I can't imagine where my negative self-image could have come from.

I start this public examination in the hopes that by confronting these painful memories and feelings I might begin to move past them - to let them go.  Obviously, I'm not still that sixth grader who thinks she's the ugliest duckling, but neither am I a completely healthy, secure 27 year old with no image issues whatsoever.

Certainly looking at the above excerpts and memories, it seems silly to think that the cruelty of middle-schoolers should have any bearing on my self-esteem now.  But I think things like this are cumulative.  And those years were extraordinarily formative in terms of developing (or failing to develop) confidence.

More ruminating and memories coming soon.  For now, sleep.

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